Unfortunately, Bill failed to see the logic and continued his documentarian delusion. Fortunately, he left for work over an hour before Janice. She enjoyed her “off-air” time immensely and usually spent that hour with a good zombie book. One Thursday morning she was enjoying it a little too much and realized that she should have left the house fifteen minutes earlier. She rushed around cursing while she put on shoes and grabbed her keys and purse. Her hand was on the doorknob when it occurred too her that she hadn’t brushed her teeth.
“What’s another two minutes,” she told herself as she turned around and headed for the bathroom. She’d always been big on the two minute rule.
As she brushed her teeth she looked herself over in the mirror. She could still pass for a woman in her late twenties, despite being in her mid thirties. She and Bill, with his chiseled jaw and six-pack abs, would have very attractive children someday, she hoped. First, they needed to do something about the weird stuff that was going on in the house.
Why do these things only seem to happen to attractive people, she wondered to herself. Why don’t ghosts ever haunt fat, ugly people? Is that a kind of discrimination? Should someone start a class-action lawsuit?
She rinsed and turned to leave. As she did, a hellish, demon-looking thingy appeared in the mirror behind her in a sudden manner that would have really scared the bejesus out of Janice if she’d been looking. It had the features of a woman, but was all gnarly and busted looking, kind of like Linda Blair toward the end of Poltergeist or Michele Bachmann without her make-up team. It glared hatefully at Janice, who realized that she hadn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste and turned around suddenly. She didn’t like it when things were out of place and order, which was why she really hated when her knickknacks got rearranged.
The hellish, demon-looking thingy jumped a little at this unexpected turn of events. “Shit,” it cried out in its hellish, demon-sounding voice and began to fade away.
“Whoa. Whoa,” Janice cried out as she stepped toward the mirror.
It reappeared. “What? I have things to do.”
“You have things to do? Wait- we’ll get back to that. Why are you in my mirror?”
“I like to hide in here. I jump out whenever you turn around. It’s really scary.”
Janice pondered this for a second. A perplexed look came across her face. “Really scary to who? If I don’t see you do it, who are you scaring?”
“The movie-going audience,” the hellish demon-looking thingy told her as if it were talking to a complete idiot. “Duh!”
“You realize that makes no sense? None whatsoever.”
“Have you read this script? Nothing makes sense,” it replied.
“Hey,” Janice shot back indignantly. “My cousin wrote this script.”
“Well, okay, that makes sense,” the hellish demon-looking thingy said with a big, demony smile.
Janice felt like she’d been slapped. A look of shock and pain came across her face. “Wow. That was really mean.”
“Helooooo,” it said as it pointed to itself. “Demon. Demons are pretty mean.”
“Fine. So you’ve hurt my feelings and broken a bunch of dishes. Would you mind leaving now, or do I have to go hire a demonologist?”
“Noooooooo,” it howled. “Not a demonologist. Please, anything but that.” The demon started laughing and doubled over, disappearing from Janice’s view. She grabbed the sink and stood up on her toes in an effort to see it. It popped back up, laughing and wiping tears from its eyes. Janice jumped back and it laughed harder. “Demonologist. Man, that always gets me. Where do you get a doctorate in demonology? Go out and hire a unicorn farrier while you’re at it. What a schmuck.”
“I could go get a priest, but we’re not very religious. Bill and I talked about that option.”
“Not very religious? You’re talking to a demon. Doesn’t that make you want to find religion? Doesn’t being in the presence of proof of an afterlife make you an instant convert? How thick are you?”
“Okay. I’m late for work and this conversation is pointless. I have to go. I’ll assume you’ll still be here when I get back, but could you at least not mess with my stuff. I work very hard to keep this place straight.”
“For starters- I can’t promise that. I’m a demon and it’s my job to screw with you. More importantly…” the demon smiled, exposing rows of really scary looking, razor-sharp teeth. “…what makes you think that I’ll just let you leave?”
Janice took a step backward, but the door slammed shut behind her. “Please,” was all she managed to say as the demon crawled out from inside the mirror. Still smiling, it raised its hands. As they made contact with Janice, they began to disappear inside her body. When the demon was in up to its elbows, Janice began to scream.
“Oh God, this is so painful. Get out of me,” Janice begged.
The demon laughed. “Never heard you say that to Bill. You mostly look bored when you’re being entered.”
“Man, you are such a cunt. Are all demons like this?”
“Well, I am good at what I do,” the demon replied, beaming. “I take pride in my work.”
Once the demon was fully absorbed into her, Janice could hear its thoughts. They were muffled, though. There was an excruciating pain in her soul that drowned out all other sensation.
This is going to be a little uncomfortable at first, but don’t worry, it gets much worse, the demon thought-said to her. Now, let’s go wait for Bill to get home.